Five Crimes at Freddy's
Five Crimes at Freddy's is an SFM animation following Detective Nigbone before he got into law enforcement, instead getting a job at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, the haunted pizzeria from Five Nights at Freddy's. This is said to be Nigbone's first security job, NIgbone was then 21 years old. Transcript The camera fades into a still of the office of Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, where the phone begins ringing. A subtitle saying '''May 10, 1993' appears on the screen, as does Nigbone's first security job. The phone is automatically picked up and the caller begins speaking.'' Steve (Caller/Phone Guy): Uh, hello? Hello, hello! Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night. I actually worked in that office before you. I'm just finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact. So, I know it can be a little overwhelming, but I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about. Uh, you'll do fine. So, let's just focus on getting you through your first week. Okay? Suddenly, Nigbone, who is in the office and in a night watchmen outfit, slams his fist onto the phone, annoyed. Nigbone: Holy fucking blahdy fucking blahdy blah! Steve: Oh good, good, there you are. Uh- let's see, where was I? First there's the introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read. Nigbone leans back in his chair, still annoyed by Steve's constant talking. Steve: Uh, since you're right here I'm just going to read it off to you, it's kind of a legal thing, you know. Um, - Nigbone: Do ten words or less, come on, nigga. Steve: "Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. A magical place for kids and grown-ups alike,-" Nigbone: *imitates a buzzer* I said ten words, not twenty fucking thousand, guh' bye! Nigbone readies to turn of Steve's call. Steve: Uh, wait, okay Nigbone... The camera ominously zooms into the security tablet resting on Nigbone's desk. The tablet is watching through the view of the Show-Stage camera, which houses a "deactivated" Freddy Fazbear, Bonnie, and Chica. Steve: One last thing, I have to warn you, the animatronic characters here get a bit quirky at nights. Nigbone: What do you mean "quirky"? The camera begins to drag out of the office and throughout the pizzeria, towards the Show-Stage. Steve's voice echoes throughout the entire restaurant. Steve: Uh, just be aware the characters tend to...wander around a bit. Uh, they're left in some kind of free roaming mode at night. Uh...Something about their servos locking up if they- The three animatronics resting upon the Show-Stage begin to twitch, but Nigbone doesn't notice. Nigbone: Yeah, whatever, ya mom's pussy tends to wanders a bit, know what I mean, mista Steve? Steve: Oh, come on, man. Nigbone: She likes all of them D's in her V's, and gets the C's on her T-T's. *immature chuckle* Steve: Ugh, dude. Nigbone: Cum on her titties! I'm hanging up on you ya fucking boar-banging loser. Nigbone turns the phone off. Nigbone: *imitating Steve* They get a bit quirky at night. *normal voice* Nigga probably breaks in a fucks the animals after closing. Fucks em' in they ass-plates, or whatever they got. Nigbone picks up the tablet and begins browsing the pizzeria, including the Show-Stage, Supply Closet, and the East Hall. Suddenly, the entire facility's lights flicker on and off. Nigbone: Oh, fuckin' come on man! Nigbone gets up to fix the power, and unbeknownst to him, Bonnie suddenly appears in the East Hall. Meanwhile, Nigbone fiddles with an electrical box in the office. Nigbone: What the fuck, I don't like this flickerin' lights in this haunted house, man, god! Why does it say "Living Room" and "Bedroom", that doesn't make any fucking sense! I did not get this job to be a fucking electrician in this bitch, man! Bonnie suddenly appears in the doorway behind Nigbone, but he is oblivious to it as he continues to rant. He exclaims "Yes!" as he finally fixes the power, and jumps back in victory, bumping his office chair into the door's button. This activates the door to close right as Bonnie screams, indicating he's about to kill Nigbone. Nigbone: *startled by the apparently disembodied scream of Bonnie* AHH, IS THAT A FUCKIN' BIRD?! A screen saying 1 AM shifts to 2 AM. Nigbone is now listening to the radio. Radio man: It's comin' up on 2 AM at KTR live! Get ready to shoot your load and shit your pants! Remember, kids! I'M THE SENATOR, AND I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR PARENTS! Nigbone: Aw, man, what the fuck... Radio man: This next song is gonna make you tear nut and rip butt! Make sure you have a roll of toilet paper handy so you can scoop that cummy turd water back into your anal cavity! Nigbone: Jesus fucking Christ, man! Nigbone shakes his head in disgust then Some radio music begins to play and listens to it, but is interrupted by a troubled scream that echoes throughout the facility. Nigbone gets up, turns off the radio, and sits back down, staring into the empty doorway. Another scream rips through the darkness, and Nigbone jumps up out of his seat and unholsters a handgun. Nigbone: Oh fuck no. Nigbone, fearful, walks through the halls of the pizzeria with a flashlight in hand, frightened by constant screams. They seem to be coming from the restroom, so Nigbone heads there and investigates a doorless stall, where the screams and bangings originate. The investigation reveals it is a homeless man masturbating as he sits atop the toilet, banging on the walls and howling in pleasure. Nigbone cringes in disgust. Nigbone: What the fuck, man?! *the homeless yells gibberish* Get the fuck outta here, fucking homeless nasty ass dick jerkin' BUM! The hobo says more gibberish and resumes masturbating. Nigbone chases him out of the restrooms and the pizzeria by beating him with the butt of his flashlight. Nigbone: Fucking get out! Get outta- get the fuck out! Nigbone returns to his office, annoyed. Nigbone: Fuckin' homeless guy is ripping the goblin in the fuckin' bathrooms, man. First night in this fuckin' child's nightmare, goddamn dingy ass... Nigbone picks the tablet back up and surfs through the cameras. The East Hall, as he left off, the Party Room, the Restrooms, the Backstage, and the Show-Stage. Bonnie is missing from the trio. Nigbone: Uuuh, nah, that ain't happening. He dials Steve into the phone, and he picks up. Steve: Uuuh, hello? Nigbone: I know you moved the purple bear, Steve, don't fuck with me man. Steve: Purple b-? No, that's not a bear, Nigbone, Freddy's a bear, that's Bonnie, the bunny. Nigbone: The purple bear, I'm not talking about Frankie. Steve: Y'know it's not really important right now, you said he moved, right? Nigbone: *voice trembling* Dude, I'm sorry 'bout the mom jokes, okay? This is fuckin' scary as fuck, man, *he buries his face in his hands* '''don't fuckin' make the animals move, man! '''Steve: Okay, I need you to calm down, okay, and just...check the cameras. See if you can loca- Nigbone picks up the tablet. Nigbone: HOLY SHIT! The tablet is set to the Party Room, where Bonnie is standing in the middle of. Nigbone: LAWDY'S IN THE SAMMITCH ROOM! Steve: Okay, you're fine, just make sure you watch for the other three as well. Nigbone: You didn't say any shit about fuckin' metal monsters bitin' my fuckin' asshole, man! Steve: No, Nigbone, they're not going to try and eat you, they-they get the rules for them to be with a suit at all times. If they think you're one of them, they'll try and...stuff you into one. A Freddy Fazbear head on a backstage shelf has one of its eyes suddenly move. Nigbone: So what, they'll find me and stuff me in like a cotton teddy-bear? Wow, call the fucking cops. Steve: Uh, no,' *nervous laugh*' it wouldn't be so bad if they were made out of cotton, but the suits themselves are filled with crossbeams, wiring, and animatron- Nigbone: Are you out of your goddamn mind?! WHO THE FUCK WOULD DO THIS FOR MINIMUM WAGE, MAN?! Steve: Uh, hey, by the way, you've been checking Pirate's Cove, right? The tablet, set to the Pirate Cove, shows that the cove's curtains are wide open, revealing the ominous face of an angered Foxy staring at Nigbone through the camera. Nigbone: THE FUCKIN' FOX IS FUKIN' STARING AT ME! Steve: Okay, staring isn't the problem, but if he leaves Pirate's Cove, you're going to need to- The Pirate's Cove is suddenly empty. Nigbone: HE'S NOT IN THE PIRATE CAVE ANYMORE! The tablet flips to the West Hall, where Foxy is dashing down towards the office. Steve: Left door, Nigbone! Close the left door! Nigbone, completely terrified, rushes to the left door and shuts it just as Foxy charges in. Nigbone: AHHH! The door crushes Foxy, pinning him to the ground and smashing him violently as Nigbone unloads several handgun clips into his face. Unbeknownst to Nigbone, still blindly shooting at Foxy as he says terrified speech, Chica stands behind him in the other open doorway. Steve: What, is that a GUN? DUDE, YOU'RE GONNA BOTH IN TROUBLE! Nigbone: FUCK THE JOB, MAN! Nigbone stops shooting Foxy and turns around to see Chica looming over him. He screams in surprise and shuts the door before Chica could make her way in. Nigbone is now huddled into a corner of the office, listening to the radio's music to calm himself and shaking with a gun in his hand. Steve: Nigbone, turn that off! Those doors are magnetically sealed, if you drain the power the doors won- The entire facility's power permanently shuts off, turning off the radio, Steve's phone call, and encasing the facility in pitch blackness. Nigbone: *breathless and darting his head between both doors* Oh shit...oh shit...oh shit... Nigbone is startled by the extremely loud scraping of Foxy as his deactivated, broken body is dragged out of the doorway and into the darkness. Freddy's face, illuminated by a light in his head, appears in the doorway and begins to play his infamous music box song, which symbolizes he's readying to kill. Nigbone: .....nuh uh. He aims his handgun at Freddy's head and unloads several rounds into him, distorting Freddy's tune, shooting out one of his eyes, and making his remaining eye bloodshot and bulging. Nigbone dashes out of the office, through the East Hall, and into the Party Room. He sees Chica stalking him through the restrooms, and he darts under a dining table. He darts his head around and sees Chica march her heavy metallic feet into the East Hall and out of sight. A party hat falls off of the table, and a chair collapses. The raspy moans of Bonnie are heard, and suddenly, Bonnie appears, crouching and staring at Nigbone. Bonnie leads out a robotic, blood-curdling scream and grabs Nigbone by the ankle. Nigbone pops several caps into Bonnie's face, stunning him, before the security runs out from under the table and into the Backstage. He shuts the door and trips some debris. Nigbone: SHIT! He falls flat on his back. The deactivated corpse of Foxy looms over him, sitting on a table, before he passes out with his tongue draping out. Hours later, Steve is heard on the other side of the Backstage door, unlocking it. Steve: Nigbone, it's Steve! I got the emergency lights on! I'm unlocking the door, don't freak out, okay? Steve unlocks the door and pushes it open. This awakens Nigbone, who looks up to see Steve dressed as Foxy in the doorway. Steve: Whoa-whoa, Nigbone it's me! Nigbone: Ho-HOLY SHIT! Nigbone pulls out of his gun and shoots Steve two times in the stomach and chest as he crawls backwards. Steve screams and collapses in a puddle of his own blood. Nigbone retreats behind a fort of black boxes in the corner of the Backstage. Nigbone: Oh, shit, man, it's Stan you! Dude, *Nigbone begins reloading his handgun* what are you doing, wearin' a fuckin' Foxy suit at a time like this?! Steve: *coughs up blood* Well, it WAS a disguise! Until you put holes in the fucking thing, you...hnngh, God, dude, you have to help me in there or they're going to do repair protocol on me! Nigbone: Dude, I ain't fuckin' movin' man, sorry! Maybe you could crawl in! Steve: Nigbone, I- *wheezes* I'm bleeding and I can't feel my legs, you need to help me! Nigbone: I don't need to do shit, dude! You told me this night watchmen job was safe, ya goddamn liar! Now grab a fuckin' wheelchair and wheel yaself in here! Steve: Hey! I came here to help you! An animatronic is drawn to the Backstage by Steve talking and peeks around the East Hall's corner too see Steve laying on his back. Steve: Okay? And yo-you screw it up, so what do you do? Mister Gun-Nut? You shoot up the expensive animatronics characters and then you shoot me and then you shoot me when I come here to save you?! Nigbone: It's not that I don't want to help you, man. I really do. It's just that I'd rather you die than like me die, you know what I mean? Steve: '''This property is my responsibility, and since I recommended you, I'm going to get severely reprimended, Nigbone, possibly a cut in pay or even fired! '''Nigbone: You're worried about losin' your job right now?! Steve: Nigbone, this is the sweetest gig I've ever landed. A job like this only comes around once every hundred years! And you've RUINED IT FOR ME! Nigbone: Oh yeah, motherfucker, avoid getting crammed into iron maiden-style pajamas for four dollars an hour. Best fucking career choice EVER MADE! Freddy appears over the injured Steve and begins playing his now heavily distorted music. Steve: *gasps* Nigbone! Nigbone, Freddy's here, pull me inside, now! Nigbone: I'll tell ye kids you were brave, Steve! Steve: I don't have any kids, Nigbone! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, GET ME IN THERE RIGHT NOW! Nigbone: Ain't gonna fuckin' happen, Steve. Steve: *to Freddy as he gets closer to Steve* NONONONONO, come on, you guys, I'll give you ten bucks! I- Chica appears and gives another scream. Steve: AHHHH! Nigbone: Wonderful job, ain't it, Steve?! *as Steve screams* Real once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, gettin' ye asshole torn apart by metal claws! Bonnie, Freddy, and Chica begin ripping Steve's veins and intestines out, coating all four of them in blood. Steve: OH FUCKING HELL, THEY'RE TEARING MY GUTS OUT! AHHH-HA-AAHHHH! Steve continues to scream and begins defecating. Nigbone: Kinda gettin' stinky over there, Steve. Might wanna tone down the butt-drippage in your hours of dignity, brotha. Steve defecates a large splat of blood and feces on the door. Steve: AHHHHH, IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAAAD! AHHHHHHH! Nigbone: I bet it does, Steve! I can hear it from here, I'm sorry, brutha! Try and die faster or somethin'! Steve lets out another scream but is cut off when Freddy rips his throat open. Any other sound he can make is disgusting gurgles. Nigbone: Kinda sounds like they just ripped ye throat out! Steve, on the verge of death, defecates out his intestines. *Quick note, this will look different because I decided to finish this myself.* Loud banging sounds are followed by nasty squishing sounds Nigbone: Oh shit, they stuffing him into one of them suits! Shows Steve in a Foxy suit with a Freddy Head. Nigbone: Dear God, please save me. If it was your divine plan to sacrifice the stupid Steve to save the Nigbone, I thank you for that. Another banging sound. Nigbone quickly raises his handgun in concern. Nigbone: I'll dedicate myself to something important, something special. Please Jesus.Give me a chance! I need a sign that I'll get outta here alive! Lights turn on, basking Nigbone's face, highlighting his relief. God has saved him, but Nigbone must prove his worthiness to the good lord. His radio plays Nigbone's theme song. Nigbone: Jesus left me a song. And it's fucking good as fuck! This is my song nigga! This is MY song, nigga! He jumps out of his hiding place and decides to duke it out. Nigbone: THIS IS MY SONG, NIGGA! Hey Benny's, Freakin's, Chicken's, remember me from the sammitch room? Well you forgot your Sammitches. Nine millimeter sammitches! Shoots all the amnitronics. Chica roars, but Nigbone shoots her again. Nigbone: Shut up bitch! Why you got two sets of teeth, so you can chew on two dicks at the same time, chomp it chomp it chomp it. That's right bitch, said you was a slut. I'll shoot you again. Shoots her again. Nigbone: Why the fuck you staring at me like that? Oh fuck, they's chargin up their super murder attack! They's both gonna die. What a fool I was! I was drunk off of super awesome guitar riffs and nine millimeter bullets! I'm a dead man! I'm a ghost! Ugh! Bell rings, children scream in joy, it is 6:00. Nigbone: I'm off the clock, see you bitches never again holy fuckin shit what an awful job! Damn! Nigbone pondered what to dedicate himself to. He made a promise, and he was going to keep it. Than it came to him. He would solve all da crimes. From now on, he was Detective Nigbone. Category:So crap this was funny